Am i Alive?
by Twistyler
Summary: Sirius has fallen into the veil, but is still alive, or so he thinks. Here are his thoughts on a day that could possible change everything.


_Summary: Sirius has fallen into the veil, but is still alive, or so he thinks. Here are his thoughts on a day that could possible change everything. _

_**A/N: So I don't usually do one-shots (which is what I plan this to be) but I have a friend (alt-3-etf) who persuaded me to give it ago, so here it is. I actually rather enjoyed doing it. It's proven a very useful way of distressing when I'm having writers block with my other stories. So as usual, if you like it please review. If you have any ideas for other one shot's you want me to do, let me know. And if, and this is just an idea, if you want me to continue with Sirius, I have a few ideas where it could lead but I need to know how many people think it's a good idea. Ok so now I've got that out of the way.....on to the story.**_

***

Darkness.

Everywhere.

Surrounding me.

Suffocating me.

Nothing.

It's been like this for a while now, this nothingness. Well I say nothingness, but I suppose there is something there. I can hear it. The voices whispering to me. Speaking words only I can hear. They said you can only hear the voices if you've seen death. Well I've seen death. Death after death after death. Person after person that I've cared for, dead. They sound like them you know, the voices I mean. It sounds like Lily sometimes; only like though, I'm sure words like that would never have come out of her sweet little mouth. Sometimes it sounds like James. There are no words to describe how much I miss him. How much I wish I were with him right now. One time, I swear the voice was of Albus. Is he dead now? Am I dead? No. Death just can't be this loud.

I can smell it too. That's how I know its death that clings to me. That clings to me but does not take me. It smells of salty tears. Of soft muddy soil. Of musty socks on a warm summers day. It smells of rusty blood, the kind that you've forgotten to clean up when you've cut yourself and its dried. It smells of Lily and the perfume James bought her the night before she died. It smells of James, especially the tangy smell of broom polish. I know that's silly. How can death smell like my friends? But it does. It's almost acting as a constant reminder that there dead and I'm stuck here. I don't need a reminder; I'm my own personal reminder. Am I dead? No. Death just can't be this lonely.

I wonder what day it is. Time means nothing here. A minute, a day, a week, mean nothing. A whole decade could pass by and I would be none the wiser. At first I tried to keep track of the days, but eventually I had to give up. It's rather hard to count the days when there is no light. Distinguishing between the brightness of the sun and the darkness of the night sky has enabled people to tell the days apart far longer than calendars and clocks. It becomes a challenge when the sun is no longer in the sky, and the only darkness you see is so thick, it creates a fog around you. Encapsulating you. Consuming you. Am I dead? No. Death just can't be this monotonous.

My feet lead me on and on, even though I have no sense of the direction in which I am heading. Am I destined to wander this plane for the rest of eternity? Darkness to my left. Darkness to my right. Behind me and in front of me. Surrounding me. I have no destination, no goal to aim for. I simply wander for it is something to do. I have long since given up hope of finding a way out. Long since given up the dream of seeing the sun again. Hearing the voices of real people, feeling their comforting touch. Harry. Seeing the one person who brought me through the pain. Hearing the laugh that was so much like his fathers. Gazing into his eyes, that were so much like his mothers, they could actually be the very same pair. The feeling that there is one person in the entire world worth living for. The one person that would honestly and truly miss me now that I am no longer around. Knowing the pain that one person is going through because they think your dead. Am I dead? No. Death just can't be this painful.

Remus. My one true friend, the only one left. The one person that I actually felt I had had a significant impact on. One quarter of the Marauders, one quarter of me, of my soul. The quite one. That was how everyone else saw him, but not old moony. He was the brains behind the plan. He took our ideas and made them possible. He didn't have to of course. He was a prefect after all. He could have just ratted us to the teachers and had nothing to do with us. He'd have made plenty of other friends I'm certain, but none like us. Very few who would have accepted him, furry little problem and everything. Now he's alone. Now he has to face the world that knows the true person within him. A world that is not kind, and is not forgiving or tolerant. He has to go through every transformation alone. He'll tear himself apart because there is no one there to stop him. He'll be in pain. Am I dead? No. Death just can't be this infuriating.

I know stomping around, lashing out at the darkness will not solve my problem. I know I will reach nothing. I know that screaming and sobbing will not solve my problem. I know no one will hear my cries and come to comfort me. I know praying to a God I don't believe exists will not solve my problem. I know there is no way out for anyone to enlighten me to. I know if I close my eyes and try to sleep and hope this is all a dream, it will not solve my problem. I know that I could not dream this place for it is like nothing I ever imagined. Yet this does not stop me from doing these things. It doesn't stop me from crashing around punching the darkness, trying to rip it away. It doesn't stop me from collapsing on the floor when I can physically do no more, and letting out a guttural scream from deep within my very soul. A scream that echoes far off into the distance, no walls to cage it. It does not stop me from sobbing so deep that sound comes from my very soul, till I can cry no more tears. It doesn't stop me from whispering prayers, asking for salvation. Pleading for an angel to rescue me. Praying for an end to this, even if that sweet relief comes in the form of death. It doesn't stop me from welcoming sleep when I can do nothing more, in the hope that in sleep, I will dream of a place where I can see more than darkness. Feel more that darkness. Smell more than death. Am I dead? No. Death just can't be this hopeless.

Glancing around, I'm trying to find any differences in the darkness that may indicate some change in veil. Some difference that may show me a possible route of escape. Of course now I know that is not possible. I would have found it a while ago if that had been the case. It still doesn't stop me from checking though, force of habit I guess. Today however, I can sense something is different. I don't know what yet but it's most defiantly a change. I think it may be a change in the intensity of the darkness that has become my only companion. I know I would normal miss such a subtle change over to the left of me, but staring at the same darkness for an immeasurable amount of time, allow you to know it well enough to notice a change. Making my over to the spot of lighter darkness, I focus on the voices. There is one there that I do not recognise. A female voice that is much softer than the others, yet the authority that laced the voice allowed me to discern that the woman to whom the voice belonged was indeed very powerful. Am I dead? No. Death just can't be this confusing.

The other voices don't want me to hear her. I know. They shout louder, utter obscenities much worse than those I have become accustomed to in a desperate attempt to distract me from the voice that calls to me. She sounds like freedom, like hope, like a beautiful summers day all combined in one delicious tone that could become my saviour.

'_Sirius'_

She knows me. My saviour knows I am here.

'_Sirius, I need your help.'_

Of course. I would do anything to help the one who has come to save me from this.

'_I need you to hold on to me Sirius.'_

Reaching out, I grasp thin air. There is nothing there to hold on to. How can I hold on if all I can feel is the thick air?

'_Hold on to my voice. Feel it wrap around you. Let it encase you. Feel it within you.'_

How easy it is to let her voice encase me. How easy it is to feel the velvet folds of her sweet sweet voice caress my skin. How easy it is to feel it within me. A small flame in the pit of my stomach, alight, feeding of the very essence of my being. How I can feel it surge up every vein and through every cell. Spread right through me until every part of my body is alight with her and her alone.

And then it's gone.

And I'm falling

Falling

Falling

Falling

Then I'm not.

Opening my eyes right now is barely possible. The brightness of it all burns me. I begin to open them but cannot resist the urge to close them again. The pain of adjusting is just something I cannot take right now. Relying on my other senses, I reach out and listen for the voices that I know will haunt me forever. I can't hear them. Not just them, I can't hear a thing. I know there's something there, I just can't hear it. Maybe it's being quite on purpose. Only time will tell. Am I Dead? No. Death can't be this bizarre.

"Sirius! Oh Merlin Sirius, please be ok."

My angel! My beautiful precious angel. She's here with me. Right here, right now. I can feel her hands stroking my hair, brushing it away from my eyes. She sounds so concerned, so distraught. I'm making my angel upset. Angel shouldn't cry, but here we are. I can clearly feel her tears crashing on my face. I need to comfort her. Reassure her.

"My Angel..." I croak. Hopefully she'd understand.

"Oh Sirius. Thank Merlin your ok. I was so worried."

I don't care about the light; I need to open my eyes. I need to see the angel that has saved me from a fate worse than death. I need to see her beautiful face. Need to tell her how grateful I am. Need to worship her and the ground she walks on. Slowly I open my eye lids, taking in the pain, the light, the scene that is forming around me as the light fades. Eventually I can see her. Am I alive? No. Life just can't be this beautiful.


End file.
